ANGERHAUS

Dear Fat Chicks,

Please don’t ever cut your hair into a short ‘bob’ style haircut. It does not look good on you. Ever.

Seriously, it makes you look like a fucking flesh-coloured snow-man.

Love,
Henry

Preparing for a wedding like I am, I’ve been looking around for things to wear for the special day, but have wanted something a little left of tradition, so I’ve been looking a bit further for my outfit, so I figure that I might as well make the most of living in Melbourne and visit a bunch of little indie shops that stock their own labels, and other smaller-run labels that aren’t always in every chain store.

What a fucking mistake this has turned out to be. If you want to guarantee a frustrating day of shopping, shop in nothing but small independent shops for your outfit. With hundreds of businesses closing down every year in this country, it’s amazing that some of these places are able to stay open. So, given that there’s so much risk when it comes to opening a successful retail store, I thought that Angerhaus can provide you with how to totally fuck up your new retail venture…

1. Be really hard to find and use as little advertising and signage as possible.
Now, I know that a lot of hip bars are hard to find in Melbourne, but this trend does not work for retail. So many stores that I went to simply because I happened to stop walking and press my face against the glass. Signs out the front of your store? No way. Having any labelling once inside the shop? How daggy. Have your own business website? How very 1990’s, darling.

2. Ignore your customer for at least 5 minutes - try making a personal call!
This actually happened. I walked into one small indie shop, made a straight and deliberate line towards the products I was after and starting nodding a lot and making agreeable noises, as if to say “yes, I know what I want, and I’m ready to open my wallet to you”. Nothing. So I looked over at the girl behind the counter and smiled. Still nothing. I wandered away for a minute, then went straight back. At this point, the girl behind the counter smiled at me, picked up the phone, and made a personal call. Brilliant.

3. If you do decide to approach the customer, treat them with nothing but contempt - try using a patronising tone of voice!
Okay, so I’m not exactly the most trendy person. I don’t exactly get all my clothes at K-Mart, but I’m generally a jeans and a t-shirt kinda guy, but don’t let the appearances fool you - at the end of the day, I have a wallet full of cash, and I want to put it in your til, so why not do the right thing and make the process as difficult as possible! Return service? Who needs it! Word of mouth recommendations? Fuhgeddaboudit! Try talking down to the customer, name drop local designers and follow-up with “but you’ve probably not heard of them”.

4. Make sure that they help themselves - you shouldn’t feel obliged to doing any actual work.
Okay, so I was looking for a particular cap. I knew the brand, but I didn’t know the 7-character model number that’s made up of random numbers and letters. That’s probably because I’m a moron. However, what I can do is describe it for you, as well as giving you a vague description of the look I’m going for, in the hope that maybe you’ll upsell me something that I might not have thought of (because after all, that’s your job). But why do that? What you should do instead is close the catalogue that I’m currently looking through, insist that I should know the model number before coming back, then act vague about when the next shipment is coming in.

5. In the store, play really shitty repetitive  music.
In the store, play really inaccessible shitty repetitive  music. Also, play it really loud, because after all, it’s not like I have to concentrate or even hear what the person next to me is saying. In the store, play really shitty repetitive  music. In the store, play really shitty repetitive  music.

6. Don’t open during regular business hours.
Mix it up a little - after all, if we REALLY want to shop there, we’ll make the effort. Try opening for a few hours Saturday morning, then close for a while, then open up again later in the afternoon. Also, pick a random day during the week to not be open.

7. Don’t stock all the sizes, or colours of popular designs.
Don’t stock the popular sizes or designs. If I’m looking at a jacket that’s primarily black in an XL size and you don’t have what I’m after in stock, I can be easily won over by informing me that they only have what I’m after in an XXXL or a Small and that the only ones that are in my size are pastel green. Also, when I’m asking for a size 12 shoe, don’t go out the back for a few minutes only to come back in and say “I have it in a size 9?”. A size 9, you say? That’s fine, I’m going on a diet anyway, so hopefully I’ll drop 3 sizes and be able to fit into it by Summer. Douchebag.

8. In everything you do, just think to yourself “what can I do to be more of a douchebag?”
After all, dealing in retail isn’t able dealing with people, making sales, and offering something innovative and exciting to a stale retail market. No, it’s not. It’s about opening up a place in the city where your friends can come and hang out with you while you treat the store as your own loungeroom.

Now go out there and be somebody!

ladies, can you believe that this guy is single???

SNATCH HIM UP NOW!

“… aaaand, three, i’m very womantic, and everything as well.”

There are times where I think to myself that there’s no possible way that I could love Samuel L. Jackson any more than I currently do.

Then I find articles like this, and I admire the man more and more…

This is from the man that also said that he’d star in Snakes On A Plane on one condition - that the movie not be renamed (that was only it’s working title when it was being shopped around)

I’m guessing that it’s Will Smith’s fault that there’s no titties. That damn prude.

Thanks Sammy, not only are you totally made of awesome, but you’ve also saved me $18 on a movie ticket.

As some of you would know, I have a deep-seeded hatred for EB Games, but recently, they’ve just got worse. They’ve always been utter rip-offs, especially when it comes to trade-ins, and their recent promotion is even worse:

So, you need to trade in your PS3 with 4 games and then still pay $200 to get an extra 20gig.

This, despite the fact that the new model doesn’t have any update to it’s hardware, and it’s also no longer backwards-compatible, meaning that you can’t play your old PS2 games on it any more. They’ll also re-sell those games for only about 5 or 10 bucks cheaper than full-price.

But the biggest kicker? All this is for an extra 20gig. Why is this such a big stickler for me? How about the fact that the PS3’s harddrive is just a regular PC harddrive, meaning you can go to any PC store, and buy 250gig for under $100, then despite the fact that they don’t advertise it anymore, if you call up Sony, they’ll even tell you how to install it - and this will not void your warranty.

EB Games does nothing but prey on the stupid.

I know that I’ve been bagging out NZ for a while now, but I honestly do have a soft spot for it. Mainly I think,  because I feel for NZ and all the bagging that they get from Aussies, much like everyone takes the piss out of us Tasmanians.

However, tonight I learnt a fact that makes me love NZ even more…

Do you know what the current #1 single on the NZ charts are?

I shit you not, it’s this album:

Dear New Zealand,

I love you, I really do. I hate that we’ve never been together.

Let’s be together very soon, okay?

Love,
Loki

Dear Anybody-that-has-ever-been-a-contestant-on-America’s-Next-Top-Model,

You are part of what is wrong with the world. You are a stupid cunt and I hope you and everyone you’ve ever cared about dies.

Lots of love,
Loki.

I wish everyone would just shut the fuck up about iPhones! They’re crappy phones! Stop talking about them like it’s the second coming of Christ!

- it doesn’t do MMS
- it has a 2MP camera that doesn’t have a flash, can’t zoom in and doesn’t do video
- it doesn’t support Flash or Java (despite telling everyone in press conferences that it has the FULL internet experience)
- the bluetooth compatability works for only a small number of brands
- when checking your email, it downloads the entire email, images and attachments included, so unless you’re on some kind of unlimited data-package, that’s gonna drive your phone costs through the roof
- it has no radio
- it doesn’t have a turn-for-turn GPS system, only Google Maps
- they’re still doing that fucking non-replaceable battery thing
- you can’t even fucking copy & paste!

plus, the thing’s fucking huge!

Yes, it syncs up with your computer and email and all that junk - but that’s nothing that my 6 month old Nokia doesn’t already do! Oh, and don’t give me this “but these are things that are going to be coming in firmware updates” crap - that’s SUCH a cop-out. If you went to buy a car and instead of full leather seats, you had to sit on milk crates, despite the fact that the guy said “don’t worry, come back in 3 months and we’ll put them in for you” would you still buy it? Hell no you wouldn’t. So why is the iPhone any different?

Fix all these problems, make your iPhone do all the above things, maybe even chuck in a few new features for me, and make the HD a decent size, then we might talk, but in the meantime, stop going on about all these apparent great features, and just admit that you’re either an Apple fanboy or a consumerist whore, and I might actually respect you.

okay, I’m probably going to cop a bit of flack and hate-mail for this, but fuck it…

i’m so fucking sick of some c-grade celebrity who’s died from cancer, only have them slapped with the compliment of “_______ was such an inspiration” and “_____ was so brave”, and “______ was definitely taken too soon”

NO SHIT! Has anyone ever died from cancer, only have someone turn around and say “oh man, that god that’s over, I was hoping he was going to die months ago”

and the whole “she was such an inspiration” bullshit? OH SHE WAS SO BRAVE. It’s fucking cancer - one of those diseases where, if you have it, it can kill you in 2 weeks, 2 decades, or just go away completely (if you’re lucky enough), and so most people try to just “live with it” and do the best they can, depending on the severity. Because you essentially have two choices - give up like a pussy and just literally wait for your time to die, or you try the best you can to say “FUCK YOU” to cancer in the form of trying to go about your day like always. Taking that second option does not make you an “inspiration” any more than me finding 2 day old pizza on the kitchen bench, then putting it in the microwave and eating it.

Turning on the tv tonight, and out of 2 of the 3 major stations, they played some bullshit montage tribute with some wanky song over the top (7 had some U2 song, and 9 used Robbie Williams’ Angels). WHAT A TRAGEDY FOR THE MEDIA, NOW WHO ARE THEY GOING TO CLING ON TO FOR THEIR CELEBRITY-WITH-CANCER-OH-LOOK-HOW-BRAVE-HE-OR-SHE-IS-PUPPET??? (have you ever noticed that there’s only ever 1 celebrity at a time that has cancer? Weird, huh?)

oh oh, and one more thing, don’t you dare comment about how Jane set up a cancer foundation to help others. Her husband was one of the greatest cricket players this country has ever produced. THEY’RE FUCKING LOADED. Money is no object. ANYONE in their position would’ve done EXACTLY THE SAME FUCKING THING.

I’m not trying to belittle her condition, because yes, cancer is a fucking cunt. It’s effected quite a few people close to me, and effected the lives of many others who have had someone that they were close to have to go through it. Jane McGrath dying was fucking awful, but it was no more awful than anyone else who died from cancer. She found out she had it, dealt with it the best she could (or at least, that’s why she showed the media, I’m fairly sure she would’ve had a breakdown far from the prying eyes of the media), and given her financial and social status, was in the position to highlight cancer once again, and do something about it that would possibly help others.

But does this make her a hero, or an inspiration? no.

Is this a ‘tragedy’? No. Hurricanes, tsunamis, terrorist bombings, earthquakes - THOSE are tragedies.

This was just unfortunate.