I don’t know how many times I have to say this: TIGHTS ARE NOT PANTS.

You look ridiculous. And fat.

Love,

Henry

You consider high school to be the greatest years of your life

Please don’t ever cut your hair into a short ‘bob’ style haircut. It does not look good on you. Ever.

Seriously, it makes you look like a fucking flesh-coloured snow-man.

Love,
Henry

What a fucking mistake this has turned out to be. If you want to guarantee a frustrating day of shopping, shop in nothing but small independent shops for your outfit. With hundreds of businesses closing down every year in this country, it’s amazing that some of these places are able to stay open. So, given that there’s so much risk when it comes to opening a successful retail store, I thought that Angerhaus can provide you with how to totally fuck up your new retail venture…

1. Be really hard to find and use as little advertising and signage as possible.
Now, I know that a lot of hip bars are hard to find in Melbourne, but this trend does not work for retail. So many stores that I went to simply because I happened to stop walking and press my face against the glass. Signs out the front of your store? No way. Having any labelling once inside the shop? How daggy. Have your own business website? How very 1990’s, darling.

2. Ignore your customer for at least 5 minutes - try making a personal call!
This actually happened. I walked into one small indie shop, made a straight and deliberate line towards the products I was after and starting nodding a lot and making agreeable noises, as if to say “yes, I know what I want, and I’m ready to open my wallet to you”. Nothing. So I looked over at the girl behind the counter and smiled. Still nothing. I wandered away for a minute, then went straight back. At this point, the girl behind the counter smiled at me, picked up the phone, and made a personal call. Brilliant.

3. If you do decide to approach the customer, treat them with nothing but contempt - try using a patronising tone of voice!
Okay, so I’m not exactly the most trendy person. I don’t exactly get all my clothes at K-Mart, but I’m generally a jeans and a t-shirt kinda guy, but don’t let the appearances fool you - at the end of the day, I have a wallet full of cash, and I want to put it in your til, so why not do the right thing and make the process as difficult as possible! Return service? Who needs it! Word of mouth recommendations? Fuhgeddaboudit! Try talking down to the customer, name drop local designers and follow-up with “but you’ve probably not heard of them”.

4. Make sure that they help themselves - you shouldn’t feel obliged to doing any actual work.
Okay, so I was looking for a particular cap. I knew the brand, but I didn’t know the 7-character model number that’s made up of random numbers and letters. That’s probably because I’m a moron. However, what I can do is describe it for you, as well as giving you a vague description of the look I’m going for, in the hope that maybe you’ll upsell me something that I might not have thought of (because after all, that’s your job). But why do that? What you should do instead is close the catalogue that I’m currently looking through, insist that I should know the model number before coming back, then act vague about when the next shipment is coming in.

5. In the store, play really shitty repetitive  music.
In the store, play really inaccessible shitty repetitive  music. Also, play it really loud, because after all, it’s not like I have to concentrate or even hear what the person next to me is saying. In the store, play really shitty repetitive  music. In the store, play really shitty repetitive  music.

6. Don’t open during regular business hours.
Mix it up a little - after all, if we REALLY want to shop there, we’ll make the effort. Try opening for a few hours Saturday morning, then close for a while, then open up again later in the afternoon. Also, pick a random day during the week to not be open.

7. Don’t stock all the sizes, or colours of popular designs.
Don’t stock the popular sizes or designs. If I’m looking at a jacket that’s primarily black in an XL size and you don’t have what I’m after in stock, I can be easily won over by informing me that they only have what I’m after in an XXXL or a Small and that the only ones that are in my size are pastel green. Also, when I’m asking for a size 12 shoe, don’t go out the back for a few minutes only to come back in and say “I have it in a size 9?”. A size 9, you say? That’s fine, I’m going on a diet anyway, so hopefully I’ll drop 3 sizes and be able to fit into it by Summer. Douchebag.

8. In everything you do, just think to yourself “what can I do to be more of a douchebag?”
After all, dealing in retail isn’t able dealing with people, making sales, and offering something innovative and exciting to a stale retail market. No, it’s not. It’s about opening up a place in the city where your friends can come and hang out with you while you treat the store as your own loungeroom.

Now go out there and be somebody!

SNATCH HIM UP NOW!

“… aaaand, three, i’m very womantic, and everything as well.”

Then I find articles like this, and I admire the man more and more…

This is from the man that also said that he’d star in Snakes On A Plane on one condition - that the movie not be renamed (that was only it’s working title when it was being shopped around)

I’m guessing that it’s Will Smith’s fault that there’s no titties. That damn prude.

Thanks Sammy, not only are you totally made of awesome, but you’ve also saved me $18 on a movie ticket.

So, you need to trade in your PS3 with 4 games and then still pay $200 to get an extra 20gig.

This, despite the fact that the new model doesn’t have any update to it’s hardware, and it’s also no longer backwards-compatible, meaning that you can’t play your old PS2 games on it any more. They’ll also re-sell those games for only about 5 or 10 bucks cheaper than full-price.

But the biggest kicker? All this is for an extra 20gig. Why is this such a big stickler for me? How about the fact that the PS3’s harddrive is just a regular PC harddrive, meaning you can go to any PC store, and buy 250gig for under $100, then despite the fact that they don’t advertise it anymore, if you call up Sony, they’ll even tell you how to install it - and this will not void your warranty.

EB Games does nothing but prey on the stupid.

However, tonight I learnt a fact that makes me love NZ even more…

Do you know what the current #1 single on the NZ charts are?

I shit you not, it’s this album:

Dear New Zealand,

I love you, I really do. I hate that we’ve never been together.

Let’s be together very soon, okay?

Love,
Loki

You are part of what is wrong with the world. You are a stupid cunt and I hope you and everyone you’ve ever cared about dies.

Lots of love,
Loki.