ANGERHAUS

Preparing for a wedding like I am, I’ve been looking around for things to wear for the special day, but have wanted something a little left of tradition, so I’ve been looking a bit further for my outfit, so I figure that I might as well make the most of living in Melbourne and visit a bunch of little indie shops that stock their own labels, and other smaller-run labels that aren’t always in every chain store.

What a fucking mistake this has turned out to be. If you want to guarantee a frustrating day of shopping, shop in nothing but small independent shops for your outfit. With hundreds of businesses closing down every year in this country, it’s amazing that some of these places are able to stay open. So, given that there’s so much risk when it comes to opening a successful retail store, I thought that Angerhaus can provide you with how to totally fuck up your new retail venture…

1. Be really hard to find and use as little advertising and signage as possible.
Now, I know that a lot of hip bars are hard to find in Melbourne, but this trend does not work for retail. So many stores that I went to simply because I happened to stop walking and press my face against the glass. Signs out the front of your store? No way. Having any labelling once inside the shop? How daggy. Have your own business website? How very 1990’s, darling.

2. Ignore your customer for at least 5 minutes - try making a personal call!
This actually happened. I walked into one small indie shop, made a straight and deliberate line towards the products I was after and starting nodding a lot and making agreeable noises, as if to say “yes, I know what I want, and I’m ready to open my wallet to you”. Nothing. So I looked over at the girl behind the counter and smiled. Still nothing. I wandered away for a minute, then went straight back. At this point, the girl behind the counter smiled at me, picked up the phone, and made a personal call. Brilliant.

3. If you do decide to approach the customer, treat them with nothing but contempt - try using a patronising tone of voice!
Okay, so I’m not exactly the most trendy person. I don’t exactly get all my clothes at K-Mart, but I’m generally a jeans and a t-shirt kinda guy, but don’t let the appearances fool you - at the end of the day, I have a wallet full of cash, and I want to put it in your til, so why not do the right thing and make the process as difficult as possible! Return service? Who needs it! Word of mouth recommendations? Fuhgeddaboudit! Try talking down to the customer, name drop local designers and follow-up with “but you’ve probably not heard of them”.

4. Make sure that they help themselves - you shouldn’t feel obliged to doing any actual work.
Okay, so I was looking for a particular cap. I knew the brand, but I didn’t know the 7-character model number that’s made up of random numbers and letters. That’s probably because I’m a moron. However, what I can do is describe it for you, as well as giving you a vague description of the look I’m going for, in the hope that maybe you’ll upsell me something that I might not have thought of (because after all, that’s your job). But why do that? What you should do instead is close the catalogue that I’m currently looking through, insist that I should know the model number before coming back, then act vague about when the next shipment is coming in.

5. In the store, play really shitty repetitive  music.
In the store, play really inaccessible shitty repetitive  music. Also, play it really loud, because after all, it’s not like I have to concentrate or even hear what the person next to me is saying. In the store, play really shitty repetitive  music. In the store, play really shitty repetitive  music.

6. Don’t open during regular business hours.
Mix it up a little - after all, if we REALLY want to shop there, we’ll make the effort. Try opening for a few hours Saturday morning, then close for a while, then open up again later in the afternoon. Also, pick a random day during the week to not be open.

7. Don’t stock all the sizes, or colours of popular designs.
Don’t stock the popular sizes or designs. If I’m looking at a jacket that’s primarily black in an XL size and you don’t have what I’m after in stock, I can be easily won over by informing me that they only have what I’m after in an XXXL or a Small and that the only ones that are in my size are pastel green. Also, when I’m asking for a size 12 shoe, don’t go out the back for a few minutes only to come back in and say “I have it in a size 9?”. A size 9, you say? That’s fine, I’m going on a diet anyway, so hopefully I’ll drop 3 sizes and be able to fit into it by Summer. Douchebag.

8. In everything you do, just think to yourself “what can I do to be more of a douchebag?”
After all, dealing in retail isn’t able dealing with people, making sales, and offering something innovative and exciting to a stale retail market. No, it’s not. It’s about opening up a place in the city where your friends can come and hang out with you while you treat the store as your own loungeroom.

Now go out there and be somebody!